Goodness! How has it been nearly two years since I poured my heart out over a cup of coffee to my friends and followers? A lot has changed since the last time we chatted. I was a new pastor's wife in a new town, scared to death of what God had in store.
I can attest to the fact that He has been faithful through it all. Even when I have been less than faithful. We welcomed miracle baby #3 January 3rd and I have been swooning ever since. There is something that I find so unique and beautiful about life. Every single time I have a child, not only is a new life birthed, but so is a new dream... a new passion of sorts.
I found myself at a place of stillness just the other day when I was at home and Obadiah (the newest addition) was asleep in his bassinet. The solitude ushers in opportunities to just be still at the feet of Jesus. I found my passion for writing and creating stirring inside me again. I started writing more pages in the book I have been publishing for 2 years now (at this rate I will complete the task assigned to me by the time I'm 90). I also found a new found love for flowers like never before.
Jordan came home with some flowers for Valentine's Day. They were beautiful and I immediately put them where I could enjoy them and the kids could too. As they begin to wilt, this new found love for fresh flowers caused me to go buy new ones to replace the ones that were dying on my dining room table. They were starting to decay and I could smell a musky smell coming from the vase. The slimy mess at the bottom of the vase was evidence enough that it was time.
So to the closest grocery store I go to buy flowers. I didn't really have it in my spending money that week to buy them (thanks Dave Ramsey), but I decided to splurge a little on me. My children, husband and I had just recovered from the stomach bug that consumed us for 8 days straight. I had just finished making the house look brand new and disinfecting every inch of it with my favorite Sol-U-Guard. Those flowers may not have been in my weekly budget, but boy did they make my heart happy. Plus, at the end of this life I want to leave happiness behind not lots of money... sorry Dave! Immediately though I had a HUGE feeling of guilt come over me... You know, that thing called "mom guilt". I needed to buy shoes for my daughter for Easter. I needed new filters to change out the old ones and batteries in the smoke detectors. I needed to make sure we had back-up formula for the baby because it is getting harder and harder to find. UGH! I just wanted flowers! WHYYY the guilt? Why do I
not get to enjoy the simple things in life.
As I was sitting at the dining room table doing my devotions the next morning with my Essie girl, God used those flowers to speak to my heart, which is why I am here today... I want to share with you what He gave to me. {{Commercial break- isn't she the cutest doing devotions with her mommy?}} Those flowers reminded me that to everything there is a season.
What I haven't informed you about up to this point is that, after having my son Obadiah, I had an accident that landed me in the ER. I had fallen and cracked my tailbone, but that wasn't my biggest complaint, my neck was. During the CT of my neck, nodules appeared on my thyroid. This isn't the first time they had seen them. Just four short months before, they were "unremarkable" as my report would read. Meaning they were really nothing to worry about. Now, in February, they were three times the size they were then. Then a word was spoken that stopped me in my tracks.... cancer! It's a word that 34 year olds don't think will be spoken over them when reading reports. I won't know for sure if this is the diagnosis until March 25th. In the meantime, I wait! It's what I have been doing now for weeks since that CT scan. WAITING!!!! I tried to get my CT scan moved up, but to no avail, they have nothing sooner than that date. So I sit and I wait! I wonder. I worry. I fear. I have moments of faith and hope followed by moments of doubt and discouragement.
Also during this time, I am suffering from plantar fasciitis in both feet, which leaves me unable to play and do with my kids like I want. It prevents me from getting up and getting the baby bottles together at night. It even prevents me from cleaning my home, which is seriously my favorite gift to give to my family. I can't serve in ministry at the capacity I want to because I am taping and wrapping my feet daily to get some form of relief. The podiatrist literally told me that until I can stop chasing children and put my feet up, there's not much he can do for me naturally. I would need injections or surgery and even that would require me to rest and not chase after children. Ok doc... I doubt that will happen anytime soon since they are 4, 3 and 2 months old. There again, that same message, different place... REST.... WAIT!!!!
I am sure waiting is not easy for anyone, but when God made you like an energizer bunny, waiting and rest are not in your vocabulary. I find checklists and plans quit fulfilling actually. An agenda of absolutely nothing to do sounds like something that belongs to a sloth, not a mom of three. Even now, I have the urge to put this computer away and just go walk the aisles of the nearest Hobby Lobby or Marshalls for all the spring decor I can find (it's because I said energizer bunny isn't it...bunnys=spring=shopping for new decor... ugh squirrel).
Ok! Back to the flowers! I knew I should have waited on my sweet husband to buy me more! I would have enjoyed them so much more had they been a gift. But no... I couldn't resist. Isn't that just what satan does to us? He makes things look irresistible. He makes them look like we can't live without them or that everything has a sense of urgency involved. It has to be done and it has to be done now! Here is one thing I can assure you old friend...
If the devil can't make you bad,
he will make you busy!
He likes to use busy as a badge of honor to make us "think" we must get everything done at break neck speed. He wants to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10) everything, including your time. If he takes that from you, then you have nothing to give to the Lord. Isn't that exactly what he wants? Just like flowers, we must take the time to slow down and spend time with our Lord and Savior. We have to do more abiding than anything. A flower doesn't just pop up overnight, no it takes a lot of time from soil, to seed, to flower. There is a process. So are the things of life, a process. This is when I ask myself why I feel the need to always be busy. I think many times it comes from the feeling of satisfaction I get from being needed or checking off that to-do list.
The other really bad thing about always being busy is we get ahead of God sometimes. Instead of allowing Him to use us, mold us and make us into His perfect image, we come up with a knock-off microwave version of it. The version where we get to do, say and be what we want in the meantime while we wait on Him to change us. Funny how that happens isn't it?
We want to be changed into the
image of Christ, but we don't
want to pay the price it costs
to be changed!
It is going to cost you the price of your time friend! We have to slow down! We make time for what is important to us. We prioritize our hobbies, making money and everything else before we prioritize our Lord. Maybe that's what the possible cancer diagnosis is for... so that I would slow down and really think about what matters most in life, Jesus!
Ok for real... back to the flowers again! So here I am staring at my flowers I bought and doing my devotions before heading out to hear my mother-in-law speak at a ladies event. This is so out of her comfort zone. She is the behind the scenes gal, not the one up teaching. She did an amazing job and I truly was honored to be there as her guest. The topic was on blooming and the process it takes for flowers to bloom (ok God I hear you!!!). We hear wonderful truths from God's Word on abiding right where God has you and being planted. Getting rid of the weeds or sin in your life and truly just being in the presence of Jehovah!
Once the meeting was over, we enjoyed a wonderful beautifully plated lunch. At the lunch they were giving away door prizes! I'm talking hair products, spa products, gardening tools and watering cans... oh and of course, flowers! I kept whispering my name in hopes that it would get called and FINALLY they called my name... What had a won? I wasn't even sure! I just was anticipating my name being called. It was..... FLOWERS!!!!
I'm not just talking any flowers either. It was this beautiful arrangement pictured above that I had been eyeing the entire time I was there. An arrangement of this magnitude had to cost a hefty penny. Worth far more than the ones I had bought just the day before. They were strategically placed, unlike mine I just threw in a vase at home. They were my favorite new flower of choice... the ranunculus! Their meaning- charm and attraction. Oh Lord, I hear You! I see You! I know it's You! It doesn't get much clearer than the message He laid on my heart... WAIT FOR ME Kimberly!
Had I waited, I could have saved my money and been a better steward of what God had given me. Had I waited, I could have gotten the real deal instead of the watered down version. Had I waited, I would have gotten the thoughtful and charming one instead of the cheaper version of what I truly wanted.
Oh sweet friend, He spoke straight to my heart through those flowers. His plan for me was something so much more meaningful and beautiful than what I had handpicked for myself.
"Wait on the LORD:
Be of good courage,
and he shall strengthen thine heart:
wait, I say, on the LORD."
-Pslam 27:14
He has a beautiful arrangement that He can see when He looks at you. He sees every connecting detail that to us looks like we have been buried, when in fact, we have been planted. All we see is the here and now. The rush and the drive to just go full steam ahead doesn't allow for you to be still in His presence. WAIT! Worship while you wait! Pray while you wait! Study God's Word while you wait! But... WAIT!
I don't know what you are going through today. I don't know what struggle you are faced with or what trying time has consumed you. It could be a possible cancer diagnosis, like myself or it could be a wayward child that you pray comes back to the Father's house. Whatever, the cause that is causing you to rush ahead.... wait!
Busy is not a badge of honor, abiding is! Let's do more abiding and less aboding (meaning to temporarily stay). Let's turn our eyes to Jesus as we see ourselves in this season of waiting that He may be honored and glorified. One thing I can assure you of, even in the waiting...
God is good!
God does good!
This will somehow be for our good!
This will somehow be for His glory!
Resting in Him,
Kimberly Perkins